It Gets Better

I am really saddened by the stories of teenagers that commit suicide due to bullying. It's been one too many lives taken away by something so stupid.

I have been bullied in high school. And I am a live example that It Gets Better. I don't know about being bullied because of being homosexual, but I do know about being bullied because of my race.
Back when I was in grade 9, I was a transfer student from another high school. In this new high school I felt really out of place. I didn't know anybody before I transferred and I only gained a few friends from day 1. Also on my day 1 I gained a few enemies. Not exactly sure why they hated me, because they usually don't talk to me, so they didn't know me very well. It was always the same group of guys that teased me and called me names like "weird bug" or "mole", not really sure why the last one. On top of calling me names, they also stole stuff from my locker, or played pranks on me in which I was pretty smart not to fall for. But they pretty much made fun of everything I did, even something simple as singing an Avril Lavigne song. I really hated each one of them. I really didn't know how to show my anger and my frustration, or letting my feelings out. My heart ached because I felt so powerless. I wanted to do something but didn't know what. I recurred to drawing as an outlet. I did some pretty graphic drawings of the guys who bullied me. I drew guys being set on fire, acid being poured on them, stroke by lightning and having their bodies pulled apart by a car all at the same time. Somehow I felt better after. And I would hang them proudly on my bedroom's wall. Next time they bullied me, I would imagine them on my picture, or making up new things to put in my drawing.

Yeah, sometimes my best friends would stand up for me from time to time, but wasn't enough to stop them from bullying me. What bothered me the most is that other classmates knew what was happening, but they didn't do anything about it. Maybe they were afraid that they might get bullied too. Teachers seemed to be clueless of what is happening. They don't seem to read between the lines of students' feelings. I also felt awkward telling my parents about it because I felt like they couldn't do anything about it. I wasn't close enough to tell my parents about my problems.

What helped me get through it was my strength. I knew that I shouldn't let other people put me down just because I was different. I knew I was different, but I knew that that didn't make me any less of a person. They bullied me because I was weak. As they got me weaker they got more powerful. They fed on my fear. They more upset I got, the happier they got. I sure wasn't gonna let this go for long.

One day, out of the blue, I decided to play fire against fire. I decided to pull a prank on one of those guys. Embarrass him in front of all his friends. It was a success! His level of shame sky-rocked as his friends made fun of him. And in that moment, that instant moment his face got red as a tomato, I gained soooo much confidence of myself. I was demonstrating them that I was not weak and that they should respect me as a person.

From that moment on, they teased me a little bit more, but they soon stopped bullying me. I knew that I shouldn't take them seriously and that they are just making an ass of themselves. Whenever you respect yourself, others will learn to respect you.

We need to understand that bullying comes from fear. Fear of somebody who is different to them. They see difference as a threat, so they need to empower themselves to feel better about themselves. And to do that, they must take on the weak ones because they are easier to target. Fear leads to hate. Hate is not something someone is born with. Hate is learned in their environment like school or home. Hate is learned when parents don't teach children about respecting others that are different to them. Maybe bullies' parents pressure them on being something, like being heterosexual and nothing more. Hence they learn how to hate whatever that is not heterosexual.

Dear gay youth,
Just because you are different doesn't mean you are any less of a person. You are what you are and people should respect you for that. We all had moments where we felt lost and out of place, but we should find ourselves pretty soon. Learn how to love yourself, and others will learn how to love you.  I know that sometimes words hurt like blades or bullets, but you have the power to not let them get you down. Bullies feed on your fear and seeing you become upset will only make them feel better. Demonstrate them that you are a strong person and that you don't take them seriously. Soon they will notice that their bullying will no longer have effect on you and will stop it. It happened to me. You are wonderful. You are beautiful. You are strong. You know what is right and wrong. Be proud of who you are and show the world about your pride. The world will see your confidence and will admire you for that. Don't think about taking away your life. Your parents will suffer. Your friends will suffer. Even people you don't know will suffer for your loss. Life is wonderful. There are soooo many great things to come waiting for you. Dreams. Accomplishments. Life opportunities. Meeting that famous person you admire. Winning the lottery. Trip of your lifetime. Having a family. Growing old with the person you love. Whenever you feel like you need someone to talk to, talk to someone before it's too late. Somebody will ALWAYS be able to help you. You are not alone in this fight.
It Gets Better.

Dear bullies,
We all fight a different fight. Those people you bully, are fighting against your harsh words and mean treatment. You, are probably fighting something different. Maybe social pressure from your friends. Do your friends want you to be someone you are not? Do your friends expect you to act a certain way so you can be "popular" or gain respect from them? You don't need to be mean to get other people's attention. Be the hero to defend the people who get bullied. Be the hero that mean people are afraid of and the hero that weaker people admire. Maybe you are fighting pressure from your family. Does your dad or dad insist you to do all the things "boys should do" and not "what girls do"? Does your dad teach you to hate whatever is different? Learn to accept other people for who they are. Don't judge them from what they may seem. Get to know them. You and them probably share lots of things in common. Those people might be the ones who hire you for a job when you are older. Those people might save your life later on. Those people might help you in the future in one way or another. Don't use words that hurt like blades. You are doing more damage than you might know. It might seem fun to laugh at someone in front of your friends, but it is not fun when someone's son, nephew, grandson takes their life away. It will impact their families and friends. You have the power to save a life. You have the power to make a difference in someone else's life. Please, don't bully.

Bullying is a crime. It’s a hate crime. And it should be treated as a serious matter in schools. It affect’s the person’s psychological health and might lead to death. And it could be totally avoidable. Parents and teachers should so something about it. Most of the cases bullying passes by unnoticed. “Boys will be boys” is not an excuse for someone verbally assaulting another person. Parents should take notice of their children’s thoughts and emotions. Teachers should take notice on children behaviours in class and outside the class, read between the lines. Most of all, they should take action. They could also save lives. Anti-bullying programs should be more intensified in schools. Children should be taught from very young to respect other people who are different from them. Schools should also have support groups or programs, maybe a TGBL group where people provide support to each other.

I’m glad to know that Lady Gaga wants to talk to President Obama about passing an anti-bullying law. It could change things to a whole new level and will make a great difference. Hopefully it will drastically stop bullying from happening in schools. 

RIP

Tyler Clementi (age 19)

Billy Lucas (age 15)

Seth Walsh (age 13)

Asher Brown (age 13)

Raymond Chase (age 19)

Cody Barker (age 17) 

Jamey Rodemeyer (age 14)

Oh ya, my children will be doctors

I just read an interesting article on the Toronto Star about how asian parents almost push their kids to go into university to take high standard programs such as medicine, pharmacy, law, engineering and accounting, even thought some kids don't even have the talent or interest in them. And the consequence of that are children dropping out of school, failing, getting suspended, cheating or even break down to depression.

I totally feel and get what they are saying because I come from very traditional parents, and they obviously want the best for me. Thankfully, my parents let me fully take Communications and French and let my sister take her International Development Studies. However, I do recall them trying to convince me to get into Computer Science (since "I love computers so much") and trying to convince my sister to get into law (because "she's too good at arguing"). I also remember when I was choosing my university career I had to consult them several times. They rarely asked me questions like "do you really like that program?", "are you very interested in that program?", or "take whatever you are passionate about". They were more like "yes, that career can get you jobs" and "no, that's a useless program and you cannot find a job after". I mean, I understand that they want me to succeed after graduation. But one thing is taking something that I want to get a job with and another thing is to take something I am passionate about. Remember the time when I told my dad I wanted to go to cooking school and he told me "if you want to be a chef start by doing the dishes in the sink", or my mom telling me "yeah, right". Because that is something I am REALLY interested and passionate about learning! Besides doing art design, web design, and graphic design. Maybe theatre. Although Communications (or advertising) was certainly an option because of my interest in ads in high school.

The thing is that I feel (by noticing my parents and other chinese parents), that the chinese culture is very much focused in study and woring hard, but not so much on the social life (generally speaking, there are of course exceptions). Like the article said, "the Confucian tradition of respect for hard work and obedience “often overlooks creative skills and leadership and social skills". At least for the case of my parents, they usually don't allow me or are very restricted about me going to social gatherings, extra-curricular activities, and having a social life. So I went to school and went back directly home, everyday. This in turn has shaped the personality I used to have and maybe still have today: the shy, quiet, naive, anti-social type of girl. Maybe not so much now, but I am still bit shy and quiet because I have learned from other people (mostly non-asian), and not from my parents.

Since my first year at university I wanted to get a part-time job, so that I can gain experience and network with other people, and maybe earn some dollars. But I remember clearly that my parents told me to forget about part-time jobs, and that I needed to concentrate on my studies. Four years after, I have graduated and barely got a job. Why? Because I don't have much experience because I was too busy studying. I mean, it is not a bad thing concentrating on studies, but it's not like my grades were super high. Maybe because the rebellious me didn't listen to my parents and still got a social life at university with frosh week, volunteering, joining clubs, etc. which thankfully gave me a little bit of experience I can put on my resume. Of course, I did all these without asking my parents about it. They would have probably said no. But for me, experience is a lot more valuable than my grades. Because when you come out to work, it is the experience that counts. Employers won't care if you got an A or a C+ (well, it would be nice to get an A). But say, you have an A+ but no experience, contacts, or anything; where can that get you? And what if you got a C+ but your resume is filled with lots of different experiences that are valuable to the job you are applying for? Getting out of the classroom to meet other people, will help students get connections, who might hook you up with a job, right?

But I understand where chinese parents come from. China's economic situation wasn't the best about 25 years ago. And now with the technology, globalisation, immigration to first world countries, and the amount of freedom compared to those years, there is a huge gap of difference. Maybe that is why they want their kids to have the best education in order to have the best job, and therefore make lots of money. It is understandable and it is fair to say that. However, it is still unfair to make children take something they don't feel interested or have the passion about. A low interest will reflect on a low grade, which in turn will make the children miserable about their lives. I think it is important for asian parents to understand the many ways to success, that is not written on the books, but it is all around living the daily life and experiencing and learning.

And it is crazy that 72% of Toronto's Chinese-Canadian students are applying for universities while only 42% of Canadian students apply to universities. It is funny how the article says that some universities are becoming "too Asian" *cough Uot cough*. My sister who studies at UoT in Scarborough tells me that students, mostly asians, are very studious and very serious about their university careers. She even tells me that people go to the library past 12am, and maybe some even might as well pull a tent there and sleep overnight. Not saying that there is no social life there, but I do notice however, that most chinese students mingle with their own kind and don't usually go beyond. I find this also true at York. Maybe it's just the culture clash, the way people are raised. Thankfully I was encouraged to mingle with non-asians in costa rica (because I had mostly no choice since there aren't many chinese people there) and I feel totally comfortable socializing with non-asian people. My parents asked me in my first year if I made any chinese friends, I told them that I didn't because no chinese will come up to me and say hi, it was mostly canadians who did that. Needless to say they were disappointed. But you know what, this is another story...

The point is that I am glad that I found the article, because it is something I am concerned about. I believe in freedom of choice, that the person can choose either to go or not to university and choose what program they want to get in according to their interests or talents. People shouldn't be forced to take something parents want them to take, because it is their career and their life after all. I find it great that there are programs that speak to the chinese communities about the many ways of success besides the books, and to encourage their children to get to know other backgrounds, to socialize, and have more life experiences rather than locking themselves in a box in front of a book that can only tell you so much.

I am also glad and thankful that my parents at least give me 'some' freedom about my life and mostly agree with what I want to do in life.

up to date update

It feels really weird to be September and not going to class. It feels weird walking around campus and feeling like I don't belong there. It hasn't hit me yet the idea that I am graduating from university. Now that I am out, I wanna go back again. Go to first days of class and learn your classmates names and read through the course outline and then leave early. Or the days where I did frosh week and had tons of fun and meeting all sorts of people.

Time flies. It was only 4 years ago I was starting a whole chapter of my life. But at least I know where I was heading and what I got myself into. Right now, the future is uncertain, which I hate because I like to plan things out and have a plan.

So far apartment hunting has been miserable. I am so picky it has been so hard for me. So apartments either:
a) don't include all utilities
b) look messy and dirty, maybe smell funky
c) not close to TTC at all
d) have weird landlords
e) don't come furnished

But I mean, if I am going to invest lots of money in an apartment it better be a great one, right? Especially if I'm goin to live there for a year.

My post-graduate working permit is going to arrive soon, that means I can start searching for jobs now. What kind of job? Something do to with advertising, graphic design, travel agency, customer service, theatre, social media, marketing, tourism, or something that I qualify for. I might need to read over my job strategies notes I have written over the summer from taking career advising during the summer. I also need to polish some resume and cover letters.

The house I'm living in right now is really nice. My housemates are raelly nice. One of the girls is super nice, always talking to me, and is a good friend. One of the guys is really really helpful and helps to keep the house clean. Very smart, helping us get the internet. Another girl is super nice too although she is almost never home. But whenever she is she is talktive and always happy. The other guy and the other girl are meh. Not really interested in them, although the guy had his mind blown when I told him I was from Costa Rica. Sometimes I wish I could stay longer at this house. Makes me feel comfortable and it's really nice to have people to talk to occasionally.

Adulthood sucks, but I need to keep ma cool!